Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
