Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
