Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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