i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
