He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
