watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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