i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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