also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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