he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
