omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
