420 ftw
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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