Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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