I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
