walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
