I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
