I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
