just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
