2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
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you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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