She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
