I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
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