Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
