Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
