theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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