Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It's official drugs can't kill me
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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