I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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