And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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