So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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