So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
