I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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