Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
The adults are the big ones right?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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