TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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