Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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