I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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