i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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