I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
