That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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