How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
