Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
