so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
