My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
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shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
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Can vaginas get frostbite?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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