I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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