so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
