remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
What drink are we having for lunch?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
