it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
