He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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