it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Randomize
