my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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