Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
