Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
