we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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