after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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