Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
