I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He passed out mid-signature
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
