My pussy is not your playground.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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